im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
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