Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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