the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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