i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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