Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
