I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
