Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
