Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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