I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
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