jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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