he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
