I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
