talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
