Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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