i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
