He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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