Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
