I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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