its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
