dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
