even my farts smell like vagina
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
