I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
