Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
