I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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