woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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