I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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