moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
