I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
