my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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