Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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