Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
