i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
