so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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