Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
