So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
