This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
