dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
