WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
