we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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