My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
