Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
