i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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