so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
