I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
