Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Someone came in the potted fern
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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