my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
