he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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