Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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