We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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