1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
