he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
