If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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