i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
