True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
