Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
